The effects of a psychopath….
I think after the three and a half years of recovering from being in a relationship with a psychopath, there are a few things that still effect me in my present day. I battle these things but they seem to be the ones that kind of hang on to my psyche and I can’t seem to break past. I wanted to share them in case anyone else is battling this too. You are not alone!
First, a psychopath will make you, through the power of manipulation, feel as if you are the most important thing in their whole world. They worship you in the beginning to a point that you learn to cherish that treatment. Once the relationship starts to change and and the portion of the relationship where they break you down starts, that contact and worship stops. They make it clear how unimportant you are, and unlike in the beginning when they were putting you on a pedestal, now you are in love and not only do you miss that contact, but you also relate the lack of contact to the fear of things ending.
This is a big issue for me. Even in friendships I find myself questioning if my lack of contact from someone means this is it, it is over. It took me some time in the beginning to realize that first of all, not everyone is just going to walk out of your life in a moment. It also took me some time to figure out how to not to pick the same traits in people… because there are others out there that will just hurt me in the same ways.
I have gotten into this horrible habit of talking to random people on dating sites, not because I am wanting to date the, but because I don’t want to feel so alone. I want that contact from someone that is positive. I literally find myself thinking, this is crazy, you aren’t gonna meet 98% of them, but in the evenings I just don’t want to be alone. Mind you, I’m not, my kids are right here, but it is this seriously fucked up other need.
There is this strange place where my anxiety starts to climb and I just want to cry and it hurts almost just because my phone doesn’t go off. Just because I’m not hearing from someone… and yet, when talking to others, it is merely a contact, nothing more, it fixes that anxiety but not my hearts need for the love that was fabricated and stolen from me.
The few people I have taken time to actually meet, spend time with I have found things wrong with 📷and limited my time with, pushed away and not gotten close to. The one I allowed close doesn’t feel the same, and that was almost more than I could bear. It’s easier to push everyone away and just keep my anxiety at bay by talking to random people who don’t give a fuck about me, than to let someone in.
It’s hell of a hard place to be, and I realize there is counseling, etc. available to get past these things. I also realize that some things just take time. In addition, I’m coming to terms with the fact that I may not actually want to be with anyone really, who knows.
I look in the mirror daily and question my sanity, I’ve been told I’m crazy so many times it must be true right? Ugh, but the truth is, I don’t have time to be crazy, I’m a woman with a difficult job and a lot on her plate, I don’t have time for emotions and I certainly don’t have time for counseling and insanity… so for now, I’m gonna sit here, in my lonely state, talking to no one on text and just giving up on humanity or the hope of love in my life, cause it just isn’t gonna happen.