Historical Post: So Much Has Happened - Sept 5, 2016

So much has happened….

September 5, 2016 by julieannhowe

I’m still alive!  I’m alright, I’m OK!!!  Life has just been really everywhere and back and forth and I haven’t had a lot of time to really think about writing much less stopping for the moment to actually do it.  I have a few thoughts lined up for some things I want to put out there, but for now, my first entry in a few months will be about why I vanished and the wonderful changes that have happened in my life.

So some time ago, I did an entry about someone special in my life.  This past year I have had the fortune of meeting and becoming best friends with a man who at the time wasn’t ready for much more than that… the friendship we were building.  I have never had the opportunity in my life, or lets say, taken the opportunity in my life to really get to know someone and become close with them prior to becoming romantic.  Most of the relationships in my life have been a “shoot from the hip” mentality, which has left me with people I didn’t know and understand, and a lot of heart ache due to the issues that brought forth.  I know you all remember the post about the book Psychopath Free.  If you didn’t read it, please take a moment to, it will shine a little light on the torture I’m referring to.

So Byron and I have gotten close.  I have my children, 19 & 17, and he has his beautiful 20 year old daughter.  In the last 3 months, we have finally taken steps into a relationship, and we actually have joined homes.  We are now working towards really building the life we both deserve, together.  Neither of us really has had someone to build with.  He had attempted to build, and faced the devastation of alcoholism smashing it down and pulling things apart.  I also worked to build, with no support and the same destructive force against me.

Now we have this sometimes strange but truly wonderful cohesive atmosphere.  We both want to work hard to reach joint goals, but also work hard to reach our own personal goals too. It’s a great feeling to have someone want great things for me, because if I succeed, we succeed too.  In return, I share the same for him… showing him that this isn’t all about me, but about us… and his improving himself only betters our life and our children’s life.  It’s been pretty wonderful so far.

Our kids have molded together, almost too well, lol.  Now the smart little shits get together and join forces against the parentals if they feel they have been politically wronged.  In the beginning they were calling family meetings for communication issues, and changed plans. LOL.  Now we have a group chat set up so if one knows, THEY ALL KNOW!  It’s pretty damn funny.  The girls share everything from music, to movies, and even wigs and makeup.  They take care of each other.  Byron calls us a pride, his pack of lioness’.  He’s right, that’s exactly what we are.

In addition, Byron and I are working to heal old wounds together.  We both have raw edges, sometimes it makes it rough for us to communicate emotions properly and like with any relationship with old broken baggage, we carry a bit more than a young couples relationship.  I think the difference for both of us is that we finally have someone to match our desire and drive to make it work.  We both WANT to be there for each other.  We both look at this as an us thing, big picture, all inclusive.  It’s nice to have someone at my side finally again that says, no baby, I’m here to stay, we are gonna get through this.  I had that once and didn’t appreciate it the way I should have. I think in the long run it would have ended up the same way it did, in divorce, because the marriage was loveless, but we did for a very long time have that I’m your best friend and I’m at your side to fight along with you kind of feeling.

Outside of my relationship changes, and the switch up there, there has been so much that has changed.  My beautiful youngest daughter has finally found the path she needs for counseling and hopefully some transition assistance if she decides she truly wants to move forward with her transition to being a man.  I am so thankful for the group that we found through OHSU that is setting us in motion to help them find their happiness.  I also got my daughter to recognize and share with me the mental health troubles she is facing, and now we can face them together.  I look forward to seeing her or him if the case may be, grown, change and thrive and become the being they are meant to be.  It’s scary at times to think of what changes may happen in this next year with my child, but it is also freeing and liberating.  I see a child now who is sheltered, hidden in a bubble of insecurity, restrained by anxieties and not fully living to potential that they have, and I look forward to the walls coming down, and that inner potential breaking free.  I was once told by a psychic that my youngest daughter would do great things, and be a truly powerful and inspiring force.  I look forward to watching that happen.

I’ve also changed jobs, and have been actually working two jobs, my old and the new one.  I work about 60 hours a week now, and this will likely go on through the month in order for me to finish paying off flooring for my house.  Hence no time to write lately.  I am not happy with my decision to change jobs at this time.  I think that overall it is a good change, but right now I’m still pretty uncertain in my new location.  My walls are still up, I don’t feel a situation that I can trust there yet, and I’m trying to decide if I am going to feel comfortable long term.  Right now, my position has me feeling like a square peg in a round hole.

The last big time consuming thing has been house remodeling and clearing out things that we have duplicates of.  It’s a lot of projects and donations and work.  We have already done a big portion of the roof, and are working on the yard, the floors and our bedroom being the zen, relaxation and meditation space.  I’m excited. It’s hard work but we are making some great forward progress.

The one thing I have struggled with is the feeling that I’m in a wind tunnel.  Like nothing is in my grasp because it is all flying by so fast.  I’m hopeful that this will change as we complete projects and it slows.  My dad used to tell me that the older we get the faster life goes.  I am feeling like lately that someone hit the fast forward button.  I get a glimpse of that slower moving life on weekends when I don’t have to run from job A to job B.  I am hopeful that this wind tunnel seems to have moments of calm.

As a family we are starting to plan for the holidays, and it’s a feeling I have truly missed.  I’m so incredibly thankful for my life.  I am grateful for my children and for Byron’s daughter fitting so well together.  I even got to meet his son’s family this weekend and they welcomed me with open arms.  It feels right and I appreciate how wonderfully things have come together.

I am happy.  What I realize though is, I had reached a happy place prior to this.  I had found my happy for myself, and my life.  I think now about where I am, and while I love this place I am in, I know now that I don’t have to be paranoid about losing what I have and being faced with me. I love me, and I love my life even if it’s just me.  It makes my ability to be happy in my relationship so much stronger because I’m not afraid of me, of being alone.  I can appreciate it more fully, not because I need it, but because it’s right.  For that I am truly grateful.

Sorry it’s been so long… missed you all… JulieAnn