There are times in life that are very filled with emotions. This is true for everyone, however of course as a woman we tend to have more emotional times because we are more hormonal, softer hearted individuals. It’s the nature of what we are, it is what makes being a woman so amazing, and yet so anguishing at the same time.
I am obnoxiously controlling about my emotions. This has come from years of conforming to someone else’s needs and stashing my own away where they won’t bother anyone. I say that of course with a hint of sarcasm, because over the years they bothered the hell out of me, but I wasn’t supposed to feel the way I do, or express what I feel.
Being angry wasn’t accepted, I never had the “right” to be angry. Being sad was certainly not accepted. When my best friend died, for those first several weeks, every time a tear rolled down my cheek my husband would get really upset with me. I wasn’t being the bubbly persona he wanted, and therefore I was a downer. He would get angry with me for feeling emotions. I remember him yelling at me, “why are you crying, it’s not going to change anything, she’s gone, get over it.”
So over the past 3 years, of being “single” (let’s say not married because I’ve dated), I have found a bubbling of emotion erupting to the surface. Sometimes, more than I want, and I struggle to control it. I’m the face of happy to others, and when that comes out I panic because I want to remain the light hearted, bubbly smiling face they know to expect. I believe that I’m battling some pent up rage for everything that has happened over the past, oh, ten years or so.
I mean, even when I had a right to get angry at someone, say him cheating for instance, it was played out that he was going to leave me because he couldn’t handle my anger, it was somehow not fair that I was angry, and he would change that perspective of me being strong and wanting to say, “you’re an asshole and I might want to end things,” to “what did I do wrong, please baby don’t go, I’ll reign the emotions in.” Of course this was partially because, as I’ve stated before, I allowed it. I mean the hurt and anger were valid feelings. The man I loved was cheating, betraying every bit of what our marriage stood for and leaving my heart aching because somehow I wasn’t enough for him. I of course at the time, put that blame on me, and didn’t relate it to the fact that he was indeed the one with serious issues. Don’t get me wrong, I am not perfect, and that shouldn’t come as a surprise with my proclamation that I was easily persuaded to switch from angry to begging him to stay.
The hard part is, now, out of the ashes, I must rise again as……. hmmm, I’m still figuring that out. I think for the most part, I have come to terms with who I am, but I very often times have an inner battle with where my emotions go in situations that hurt or anger me, because honestly, they are so foreign to feel. I’ve covered them for so long, tucked them away in an interior pocket so well, that I honestly can’t figure out how to feel about feeling them. That’s a weird sentence but it is exactly what I mean. I am analyzing anger and hurt and attempting to feel them for the first time in a long time, but not allow them to overrun me or worse, screw up a perfectly good relationship or situation in my life because I can’t find the happy medium between feeling them and freaking the hell out.
So this morning, I am sitting here, attempting to discern how I am feeling and trying to rationalize my anger in a way that makes decent sense. It probably sounds silly because I think at times anger is supposed to be irrational and not make a ton of sense, but to me, if it is irrational, then I am not harnessing the use of it. I mean, I have always felt that anger was a tool, something you feel when something means a lot to you and you need to use that anger to get a point across, or fight for something in your life. If my anger crosses into irrational, then chances are, I’m not going to think clearly enough to use that anger in a productive manner. So here I sit, sorting my emotions.
I am that kind of person, the kind who says, “my anger is triggered by what you said, but I can’t pinpoint why, so let me have a meeting with myself and I’ll follow up with you shortly.” Then I call to order the emotions in my mind, the rational thoughts, and the perceptions of what was said, and we draw up draft charts, tables, and pie graphs, and discuss things, come to a feasible answer to the question,and then after regrouping, we reconvene with the original person and said argument. I’m weird that way I guess, but I think from my point of view, telling you something out of anger, and responding in a moment when I can’t even figure out why I feel a certain way could lead to my saying things that are hurtful and not necessary.
It’s kind of a strange place to be in, however, where I am trying to re-learn and re-understand my anger. To allow it, and yet not become completely unhinged. I deserve good things, and my feelings do matter, that I know, but in which way do I allow myself to cope with them and serve them up to someone in my life when I have zero practice at actually doing so.
I find it interesting the challenges that I have faced post bad relationship. I do feel like I am learning more and more about myself, but at the same time, I wish I had never let go of this person that I once knew some time ago.