I haven’t written in a few weeks because I have been wrapped up in a whirlwind of activity surrounding the person I mentioned in the previous entry. Many of you who read my blog actually know me, and know that I have been a lost soul bouncing from one person to the next hoping for love and happiness. I would like to say that isn’t true, but this person in my life has shown me that it is in his own way. By watching him and things he is struggling with I see that in many ways he is so much stronger than I am, and this past week he has truly opened my eyes to what I want and need in my world.
I will say to start that this man is one of the kindest, warmest hearted people I have ever met in my whole life. He makes me feel so comfortable, protected, loved and worth everything than any man before him has. I feel all those things I mentioned in the previous entry. I don’t get ridiculously elated when I see him, it’s like my heart settles in and is relieved, and warmth fills my veins. I feel at home with him around.
This past week, he took a step back in my life, taking the seat of a friend, and not of a lover. He is battling his own situation, and is trying to overcome a lot of damage done. I sat back and watched others see my hurt and see his as well, and immediately jump to conclusions regarding what was “going on” between us. How they automatically assumed he hurt me, or that I misjudged what we have. In reality, what we have is beautiful, and it isn’t for anyone to understand and never will be. It’s ours and ours alone. He is where my heart ends up feeling the most whole it has ever been, and he is where my heart belongs.
With that said, prior to moving on, those who know who he is and those who read this and may or may not have shared your opinions of what our relationship was or is, and those coming to our defenses individually thinking you were supporting us, you are all very appreciated. I’m not going to lie, a couple things really hurt, but I am so glad that he has people in his life that love and care for him and how he feels. I am also thankful for those in my life that come to my side in times of my hurt. Truth be told, we both need you, but within the same breath, never assume to understand what the complexity of someone else’s relationship is. I wrote some time ago, one of my most popular blog posts, “I’m here waiting, and I love you...” for a friend who is in an abusive relationship. I wrote it because while I know what she is going through, I do not understand the true complexity of the love and emotion that goes hand in hand with her plight. I cannot judge or assume to know really what is being said, the kind of emotions that fly from one to the other, or the level of love and understanding the two of them share that helps them pull through what so many of us would walk away from.
In my current situation, I came to a realization. I sat listening to him tell me how he feels initially and the tears flowed and I was angry and hurt and sad. I heard “I don’t want you,” and I didn’t hear what is really happening and how he really feels. At one point he got angry with me for feeling like he has been lying to me, and I know that he got angry because first, that’s what he was trying to hard not to do, and second, because no matter how hard he was trying, faking us, and pretending in order to make me happy was basically in essence a lie, and no one likes to be called out for that. By trying something he wasn’t ready for, he was lying to me and to himself… he just wasn’t/isn’t ready, and pretending built up to a lot of feelings of deception.
After the dust settled and the tears had been shed (and trust me, there are still some tears because this isn’t easy), I sat and listened to him. Not before, however really talking to my guru of the heart, my fabulously feminist, I don’t put up with nobody’s shit, 18 year old daughter. We had been texting and starting to really discuss more how he was feeling. He said, and I quote, “Please try and understand. This is the very first time I’ve ever had the inner strength to try and seek myself as an individual. I’m always in a relationship. I’m not afraid to just be alone for the first time ever. You just came along at the wrong time. You would be so good for me, I know that, I see that, I get that. I just need to do this for me.” He went on to say that he wanted to heal and have his heart be complete and the best version it can be to give to me fully when the time came, if it was an option then, and wants to remain friends. My wise child turned to me and basically said, mom, do the same. She said you have never taken time to just be you, and own you, you have never taken time to truly heal. She…. my fabulous “men suck” child who has been through hell with me, says, mom, don’t date, and wait for him.
That is huge coming from my girl… she feels like he is someone that should be in my life. No matter the capacity, she knows he is good for me, as his daughter knows I am good for him. Again, people on the outside don’t see the complexity of all of this, and really I’m glad they don’t. This is about us and how we feel and where our lives may or may not lead. So the question is, why am I talking about it in my blog??? Well, honestly, I want to share with others who are struggling to overcome a break up, struggling to find themselves.
So I came to a decision that I will not be dating, and I will not be looking for someone else to fill the void in my life. I am going to work on healing that void, so someone (obviously hopefully him at some point) doesn’t have to fill the void and supplement the lack of my complete being, but to overflow who I am and compliment everything I am and will become.
This morning we spoke for the first time in a few days, and I told him how I was feeling and the decision I had made. Truth be told, part of me has this feeling that life is so cruel to introduce me to someone so wonderful and then go, nuh uh, can’t have him, but I have decided that I need to accept this and own it…. life isn’t being cruel, it is teaching me what love really is, and that it is worth waiting for. I was very happy to hear what I felt was almost relief in his voice. It was as if he knows that he isn’t “good” for me in his current state, but knows it isn’t fair to ask me to wait for him to be ready. I asked him as such, and he agreed that I was on point with is feelings (something I have been able to do pretty much from the beginning, read him very well).
I am downloading some books on healing and coping with my past more so that I too can be complete and all the woman he deserves when the time is right, and to be honest, I am so looking forward to this journey. I look forward to cuddling up on the couch with him to watch shows like we did with no pressure of the rest, just truly enjoying each other and being best friends. The rest will come when it is meant to, and I’m so thankful and grateful for him in my life. I have never had anyone really appreciate me for who I am, match my personality so well, and care about the things I think and feel the way he does, and that means the world to me. That is worth more than almost anything else in this life, the love of a friend is second only to the love of my child or family.
Mangia bene, ridi spesso, ama molto!
(Eat well, laugh often, love much)