Historical post: August 23, 2015

My Darkest Days (Part 4)

August 23, 2015 by julieannhowe

So in this life, with the hardships I have been through, I have learned a few things. Nothing is ever as it seems.  The wicked ex-wife, or ex-girlfriend, the adulterous woman on the other tip of the love triangle, and even the “crazy” old high school stalker friend from the East coast, are really just women, like me, buying into the same line of lies and complete bullshit.  They too are victims, women believing they are important, wanted, and even loved by a great con artist.

Initially I wanted to hate them all, and when I refer to them as a plural, let me clarify, there were several.  Between baby mama’s, flings, flirts, and for lack of a better term, fucks, there were more than I had fingers, and yet, the psyche tells us to hate these other woman, because we love him, and they are home-wrecking under-handed witches who are nothing but a thorn in your otherwise perfect relationship.  HA!  Foolish psyche, how you enable the con.

After I finally got past the hurt and betrayal, and started to realize what a ride I had been taken for, and how false love was from his side, it dawned on me these women fell for it too.  They believed in the lies spewed forth from his mouth just like I did.  Thinking back on things there wasn’t anything horrible any one of them had done, but they were a “threat” in my eyes and therefore emotionally at some point I felt they were an enemy.

Once I realized it, it dawned on me that these women were my comrades in arms, and my ally’s in the battlefield of love. They knew how I felt and together we knew exactly what we were dealing with once we pieced the puzzle together. Together we had all been hurt and experienced what a fraud was and how much it could hurt and damage our families lives.

To give you prospective, our kids loved each other, we were so fortunate.  Most of the time, melding two families and putting children together is very trying, but ours just clicked.  Seriously just went together like bread and butter.  My daughter was 18 months older than his, at the time 9 and 7 in age.  They just loved each other.  Little brothers were annoying, but they still loved them completely.

I remember my first husband coming to me, as he tried to make his own new patchwork family, saying, how do you do it?  I said, literally, “I don’t know.”  We just got so lucky, the kids were just in love with each other, family from the beginning.

In addition, my step daughter was going through a lot, so we had to pull together in order to work towards making a healthy situation for her.  She really used the support of her sister and it was a beautiful thing. Now they are still close and still use each other for emotional balance.  If one calls, the other runs to her side.  You can’t push together a family and hope to ever come to something so deeply connected and beautiful.

Yet his own drive for finding the next high, the next momentary bit of excitement tore it apart, albeit temporarily thanks to the help of the very women I mentioned a moment ago.  We all pulled together to lick our wounds and make sure the kids still had all we could give them in order to be as healthy as planned.  With that being said, damage was still done, and there were still casualties from his behavior and choices.  Emotional damage not just for the women in his path, but the children, and while he moved on to the next, and then the next, we attempted to heal.

Now there is a general joke with me and my step-daughter’s mom, if it’s broken, going wrong, or just wasn’t right to begin with, it’s his fault.  I don’t care if the toaster won’t toast, his fault.  Tire flat, damn him. We both feel after everything, that’s just our right to say, and then laugh and continue on.  I appreciate each of the women that have come into my life through the pain that he caused for the simple reason that they helped me to understand, and hopefully I helped them to understand some too.  In it’s own bizarre way, it was a relief to know I wasn’t alone in the hurt and betrayal.  I was legitimately one of his standard pattern of hurt and abuse. He had done it to them, I wasn’t any more special, and he will do it to every woman going forward.

Now I sit, watching the next girl sit at his side, swearing he has changed, or the greatest man she has ever met, just smirking a little.  Not because I want her to hurt, please understand, I don’t wish him on anyone, but smirking because there is no way I could tell her any different. She will find out, and she will find out the hard way.  She won’t listen or be convinced any other way and he will show his true colors with time.

So where to I go from here, and how to I move forward?  First, I accept what good things did come from the demise of that relationship.  He was never able to end the bond I had, or my child had, with his children.  We are still family, even without him, and I’m so thankful for them in my life.  Second, I learned some amazing life lessons in all this.  I learned that I should only trust with a percentage of my whole.  Part of me needs to keep loyal to myself for self preservation reasons.  The most inner walls in my sanctum will likely never come down for anyone again. Finally, I have these beautiful women in my life that are a great support team, and that I hope to help support going forward.  We all know now, we don’t need him, he needs us as women, and we can stand strong and pity his situation.

In closing in this section of my Darkest Days, I want to say that despite how I feel about him, and the things he did to wrong and hurt the rest of us, I still have love for him. We all go through terrible things in our lives and he had more than most from what I was told.  He could make better choices, but so can I.  I hope some day he figures it out and finds his true happiness.  I’m not angry anymore, and I don’t want him in my life anymore, I’m really content.  I wish him the very best.  I’m thankful for the people he brought into my life, and despite his continuing behavior that merits anger, I don’t give him the power by caring any longer.  Now is my time to smile.

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