Historical Post: 2015

So I left off with the demise of my dream marriage, and let me say, in thinking back of course it was nowhere near my dream marriage, but I was in love, and I wanted it to work.  I laugh at people’s judgments regarding life and situations.  Let us think on this for a moment.  I often heard things like, why don’t you just leave?  Why do you put up with him?  She must be lying because if he was that bad, she wouldn’t be there!  She’s a battered woman, stuck in an abusive place, and foolish.

Let me say this as strongly as I can.  Your perception of someone else’s life is just that, yours.   Not one of us has a right to look into a situation and judge the situation as if we truly understand what is going on.  On the outside you might see a comment from him that is condescending or her shy away from something harsh.  You might see a black eye in a situation and immediately assume you can lay out the story.  In some cases you may be right, and your thoughts on what is going on behind someone else’s closed doors may possibly touch some similarities of their reality.

What is really happening though, the thoughts, feelings, words, actions of both parties involved, behind those closed doors are not always something that is visible to the outsider.  The reality within that relationship can be a starkly different tale then the one you’ve put together in the storybook of your mind.  For example… I consider myself very fortunate that I have found a man who is willing to put up with me, and the complicated person I am.  I am strong minded, and very much a driven spirit, and to be honest, any man who wishes to be in my life has to be just as strong and strap in for the ride, because I am going to do what I want to do, how I want to do it, and when I want to do it.   In addition, I have a Queen of the household kind of personality when it comes to my relationships.  I will shower my other half with tons of love and attention, and truly spoil them, but I expect to get whatever my heart desires in return…. and mind you I’m simple but it’s about really just getting my way.  If for some reason they disagree with me somewhere along the way, I can be quite convincing in ways that make them change their mind. With all this said I make decisions with my heart, and most of the things I want are sensible, so nothing extraordinary or out of hand, but I rarely accept any kind of no for an answer.  I need a strong man in my life who is willing to put his foot down with me occasionally but can do so without being condescending and crappy.

The other thing people don’t see when it comes to my relationships is that when my feelings are hurt, oh boy, I unleash the fury.  I can say some of the most horrible things.  I know what to say that will cut you to the core, and while I try not to be that person, there are times when I am so hurt that I legitimately will say something that I don’t mean that will cut you to the core.  I am a nice person, but if you hurt me, I am a HEINOUS BITCH!  That’s just the truth.  I don’t appreciate or like that portion of who I am, but man I will cut you down in the heat of a really hurtful situation.  This came from being cut down so much and finally snapping and losing my cool one time, and now it comes out faster.  I hate it, and I don’t do it to hurt others, but boy am I good at it!

People on the outside don’t know this about me.  They see the nice person I try to always be and they make their decision about who I am based on that view of me that they see on the outside.  I am no peach!  I don’t deserve the horrible things that have happened to me in this life, but a harsher side of me exists.  I had a lifetime of hurt and I stored it for way way to long and in turn when it came out, it came out with force.  I have every intention of eventually getting back into counseling to help me cope with triggers that make the daggers fly from my eyes, because you can’t take those words back.  I never want to hurt anyone like that, and yet when I get hurt, I do that.

Now, this is not to say that I deserved the treatment I got in my relationships, but there were times I did say things knowing I would trigger some pretty heavy fire, and I did so with my head held high and my chest puffed out, with a strong will and a hard head.  This very nicely takes us to the next portion of my Darkest Days.

Following my divorce, for about 3 months I really didn’t do much. I barely got out of bed, I was exhausted, depressed and spent a lot of my time in mourning (this is where my post about attachment last week really comes into play).  It was as if a part of me had died.  One thing I have learned in this life is that honestly, if I have pictured in my mind an expectation for my future, I will be more devastated when things don’t go in a similar fashion.  My disappointment comes in expectations that are unfulfilled.  My children growing up together in my home, holidays, laughter, love, the smell of wonderful food, all ways life had been explained to me by the wonderful childhood I had, and things I expected for my own life, never came to play.

With the demise of my marriage became this realization of failure.  I had guilt for those harsh words I let escape when I was hurt, and anger at him for the things he had done to me to hurt me.  So much betrayal was built up, not only for his walking away with another woman, but for his denying me the husband he has promised me that he would be.  I was angry that he made it clear that even his children weren’t important enough to be here for.  I mean he left us all.

This multitude of feelings and pain were stacked heavy on my heart.  It just killed me to think that everything was over.  Little things that seemed so normal, like crawling into bed at night rest my weary head were changed forever.  I couldn’t lie my head on his chest, as a matter of fact, he wasn’t even there.  Sleeping, something that came so very easy to me, was suddenly a nightmare!  I had dreams of him leaving me, of the sheer abandonment.  I woke crying constantly.  I was mourning a horrible relationship and yet I wanted him back so much!  It’s a crazy place for you head to be in.

As time passed, I started to smile.  I had forgotten what it was like to laugh.  We had been so unhappy for a long time and I really hadn’t realized that a portion of me had shut down.  I had this amazing friend, who I love so much, that I spent time with almost every day because he made me laugh.  He helped heal my heart, and shared many times with me full of giggles and hilarity.

Now I haven’t touched a ton on my drinking habits through all this, and I will, but I wanted to share more of the emotional stems that really triggered my alcoholism and what portions prolonged it.  After I tell my story, I will replay where I was during each portion of the story and how alcoholism took control of my life.  That will come so bear with me.

In the long run, about 6 months post separation, I started dating again.  Mind you, I did do the whole run out and get laid bit, right off the bat, just to prove to myself I could and that someone would want me, but let me tell you, emotionally that wasn’t what I was ready for, and being wanted on a sexual level wasn’t what I truly wanted either.  I wanted someone to want me as a whole, to love my heart and my soul and all that I am.  Again, I will cover more on that later.

In the fall/early winter after I split from my ex, I met my next real relationship, and I jumped right out of that kettle and into the fire.

To be continued…..

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