Historical Post: 2015

When my 13 year marriage, fell to pieces (17 years together), I knew I could find love, and found it quickly with someone who was very charming indeed.  The connection was so very much there, he knew how to push my buttons and light my fire, even his touch set my skin aflame.  In my heart which I knew could love in some ways, I had never felt love towards a man.  I sat back and watched my friends get giddy when the men they loved called or text, and there I set thinking, I never feel that, I must be broken.

This guy though, he brought it out of me.  Within the first couple of months he said he loved me and I realized I could let down my walls, and let him in.  I knew that we had a connection but I was trying so hard to protect myself for fear that he was just a player.  Time would tell my fears were spot on, but in the moment, when he said he loved me, nothing more mattered.  I let myself fall in love, for the first time in my life.  I felt real, and each day I looked forward to curling up on his chest at night.  He was all I ever wanted.

He didn’t have a car or a license, now very strong red flags for me, but that didn’t matter.  He had made some bad

choices in his life and I could get past that, I mean after all I was in love.  Who cared if he was 40 years old and didn’t have anything to show for his life, or that he had 3 children by 3 different women?  Life happens to all of us, and I could understand that.  I was willing to make a go of our patchwork family, and honestly nothing came more easily.  Our children fell in love with each other quickly and we became a powerful family unit.

Along with the lack of license and car came a ton of child support debt and alcoholism.  I was a bartender in the first portion of our relationship and while I enjoyed an after work drink I could totally live without it.  He on the other hand would show up to my work when he got off earlier in the day and drink away my tips until I got off work.  When I was ready to go after a long day he would want to stay.  I would get so angry with him for just not caring how hard he was affecting my income, and we would end up in big fights.  I would sit back and try to keep myself from getting angry because I loved him and I didn’t want to be angry or fight.  One day, I realized, if I had a couple of drinks with him, I didn’t care as much that he was spending my hard earned tips.

Initially it kept us from fighting, but over time, like any alcoholism, it started to become one battle after another.  Horrible words, threats of leaving, and then eventually, he cheated.  It was 2 weeks after he proposed.  One would think I could get a hint that this was in every way a seriously bad situation.  He had bought me a ring, proposed, then quit his job and cheated within a 2 week period.  Did someone say love is blind?  Um no, love is flat out stupid.

At first he left when everything happened, and oh I was so broken.  I wanted so badly for him to come back.  I begged and pleaded.  I told him to come home, we could work it out.  I was the one begging the one who cheated.  Let us think about that for just a moment.  Where was my head? I was so wrapped up in emotion and how I felt for this man, that his performing the ultimate hurtful act of betrayal brought me to my knees wanting him back.  Yeah, I was so incredibly afraid of hurting, so incredibly afraid of losing that feeling I finally felt for another.  I just couldn’t handle the idea that I would be without. I couldn’t live without him.

Well his little side adventure turned sour for him, and within a week he was home, apologizing and promising me that it was just cold feet after asking me to marry him.  Just him freaking out and attempting to sabotage the best thing that ever happened to him.  Hook, line…. sinker… yup I fell for it.  I needed him in my life, I took that bait and yes baby, we can make everything work.  A few weeks later, he pulled me aside to talk.  Seems there was more to contemplate, his little side fling had created a child.

Oh, but hey, let’s put a spin on this, she is in love with me, I can totally con her into thinking this will be okay.  So what does he say. I can’t have any more kids, so he says, “baby, if that baby is even mine, which it probably isn’t because she is a total whore and sleeps with everyone, then we can take the baby from her because she is a terrible mom.  You’ve always wanted to have another child and this gives us a blessing of our own to raise. ”  This is promptly when you take my biological clock, set it off, and the coo coo bird shoots out the front of my head with a big rubber stamp in it’s claw and tags me on the forehead.  The stamp reads IDIOT.  He was so earnest and sincere about wanting to raise this child, and build a family together, and I loved him, so it would be okay. I could be a really strong woman, stand at his side and get through this with him.  I could also help him to be the better man he has cried to me that he wants to be.

So I sucked up my chest, held my head high and bought completely into his delusional game that left my life and others, in a sea of despair and sorrow.  So many hearts ended up broken, children’s lives seriously affected, and women, good women, left doubting themselves and their choices.

To be continued…..

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